Gaia Community: Anna's Blog

Finally!

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 14:28:27 -0000

It has taken over 30 years, but I'm finally learning about something that I absolutely love.

When you were a kid and people asked you, "What do you want to be when you grow up?" how did you respond? Do you even remember? And here's the bigger question; are you doing that now that you are grown up?

I remember three distinct times that this question popped into my life. Once I said I wanted to join the Air Force and become a fighter pilot. I changed my mind on that when my mother informed me that in that line of work, I might end up killing people. I did not like that idea; not one bit. No sir. Another time I decided I wanted to be an orthodontist. When I found out that I'd actually have to stick my hands in people's mouths I was a little grossed out. I totally nixed that idea when I learned how long I would have to go to school. At that time in my life I didn't want anything to do with school.

Later I decided I wanted to be a psychologist. I remember that my step-sister was studying psychology in college and my mother and step-dad were very concerned because they didn't think she'd ever get a job with that kind of degree. In fact, after she graduated, she moved to Los Angeles and ended up working at Pier One or something. We lost touch after my step-father died and I don't' know if she ever got a job in her field.

Here's the thing with all that; I was thinking about fulfilling my dreams. I was contemplating how everything in my life has brought me to where I am in my career. Every job I've ever had, every mentor that ever taught me anything, every experience with a supervisor or a customer that I've ever had; all of that has prepared me for what I'm doing right now in my career. On top of that evaluating and contemplating, I‘ve been thinking about manifesting what I really, really want in life; the thing that would make me the happiest. I got to thinking about the question I posed above and what I wanted to do when I grew up and it all came back to me; not in a rush, but in a calm soothing way. It came over me like a cool breeze on a warm Florida day and I felt the same sense of relief in my soul that a breeze like that delivers to the skin.

I started school four weeks ago and I'm studying psychology. For now, I'm going for a second BS, and anticipate continuing to the mater's level. Who knows; maybe even doctoral? I just found that I absolutely love it and I'm thrilled to be learning something I really love. I'm excited to read the text book and I'm even reading unassigned sections. I'm browsing the web for even more info. Again, I'm just so happy to have finally found something I really, really love. I've wondered for a lifetime from topic to topic and even though I've enjoyed some things, I've never felt this excited about anything.

What was the last thing you found yourself waiting for?

Tue, 24 Jun 2008 18:01:34 -0000

For the most part, I'm a very patient person and find waiting fairly easy.

I wait for lunch to cook, for some one to answer the phone, for responces to emailsm for lights to turn green, for the treadmill....waiting happens. I think more than just waiting in line; we spend all our lives in a state of waiting. We wait for our needs to be fulfilled in one way or another, we wait for answers, we wait for questions. We wait. Even when we're actively creating, we're experiencing a form of waiting.

I've even been a waitress and that's a whole other can of waiting beans, heh?

When I do find myself in the long line kind of waiting, I try to use that time as a recess of sorts. It's the perfect time to stop everything and look around; notice my surroundings, see the people around me...etc.

Waiting is not a bad thing most of the time.

39 years & 8 months

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 16:02:10 -0000

It's been 39 years & 8 months and still going strong. Where does the time go; really? I can't help but wonder what the next 39 years hold for me. I certainly feel as though I am at a pivotal point right now. My awareness of the laws of attraction seems to be making every decision so much more intense; sharp even.

And I wonder; am I young or old? Am I too old for this and too young for that? I can't join AARP - or at least I don't think I can. I haven't been interested so don't really know. I do know that I don't get the senior's discount at the theater; I'm too young. Of course, for the most part, I can still do anything I want regardless of my age.

What's that they say? "You're only as young as you feel."

I certainly don't want to put any limitations on myself, but I gotta wonder if there might be circumstances in which the ‘too young' and ‘too old' factors might be valid. Of course, there will be times when the body really isn't capable. That's to be expected, yes? What I'm really considering are social expectations and such.

Let's take fashion for example. I've heard folks say, "That outfit's too young for her" or, "She's way too old to be wearing that." I might have even said it from time to time. These days, though, now that I'm getting to an age where it might be inappropriate to wear certain things, that sentiment is making me wonder. I suppose there's some validity to it, but how much of it is rooted in jealousy and resentment?

And then there's the statement we've all heard, "I'm too old to be acting like that." Or, "he's way too old to do that." Again, I can see some validity to the sentiment, but I wonder about it as well.

I guess I am just wondering where to draw the line; if at all.

With age comes experience and with experience comes wisdom and with wisdom comes the maturity to make intelligent choices and to act responsibly and insightfully. Growth... It crosses my mind that wisdom is only gained in growth; not necessarily age.

So the ultimate question I ask myself is; will I allow wisdom or society to dictate my choices?

Wisdom tells me to be respectful of others and not to judge. Wisdom promises a certain level of understanding, intelligence and perhaps even empathy. Wisdom, to me, is the Grandmother of Peace. Wisdom balances. Wisdom tells me that even though I may not agree with some one else's perceptions and beliefs, I must be respectful and do the best I can to allow that person their own way of being. But, wisdom also tells me to honor myself.

Society usually tells me to be one way or another based on the ‘norms' of the day. Society's message changes from week to week, day to day, hour to hour; like the blowing wind. I think one constant with society; other than change, is that it's based on the ideals of what a few propagate onto the susceptible masses.

As I grow older in both body and mind, I'm finding more to question about myself. I'm looking inward more than outward. I'm spending less time thinking about what others are doing or thinking and more time enjoying my life. I'm less concerned with the societal norms and more interested in satisfying my own desires. I'm feeling younger than my age, and healthier than ever. I'm feeling more at home in my skin now than when I was in the skin of a young woman. Yet, I still feel young.

39 years & 8 months is only a tiny drop in the bucket in the bigger scheme of things. I may be getting older and growing into something called wisdom, but in reality, I am entirely too young. I must admit that's thrilling to say and I'm looking forward to the next 39 years whether dictated by wisdom or society.

Is anything possible? Part 2

Wed, 11 Jun 2008 13:38:05 -0000

Possibilities...

I've never been any good at setting goals. I've always just kind of taken life as it comes to me. Opportunities present themselves, I mull it over for a little while, usually talk it through with a friend or some one who's opinion I value, and then I'm carried forward.

Take my decision to go back to school, for example. It was really a coincidence of sorts; although I don't really believe in coincidences. I'd heard about this school on the radio where working adults could go and earn their degree and it wouldn't interfere with work and such. I knew that I didn't want to stay in the position I was in forever and I saw that as a chance to move up the corporate ladder. I made decisions at that time that I still questions. I have no regrets; mind you. But I s do still think back and wonder if I couldn't have done things a little differently. I took out student loans in HUGE dollar amounts. I anticipate paying them back for the rest of my life. That's a weight I'd rather not be carrying.

But overall, the decision to go back to college was a good one. I earned my degree and that has brought me better employment and more money. Although that money is spent paying back the student loans, I'm still proud of my accomplishment.

Anyway, during that decision making process, I didn't think of it as setting a goal at all. In fact, I rather felt like I was just doing something on a whim and went into it with a less than serious state of mind. I was shrugging about all the way. "Heh....whatever" was my attitude. I was not focused. I was not serious. I was just skating along the ice of life; not a care in the world about the future or whether the ice would be thick enough to hold my weight. . I think I mostly felt like it was something that I ‘should' be doing. For the most part, and certainly in retrospect, I felt like I was doing what was expected of me.

So, for me goal-setting is unfamiliar. At least it seems that way. When I chose to head back to school, everything just fell into place and it was EASY. I really didn't have to put much effort into it, so it doesn't seem like it was ever a goal I set. It just happened, and I was there. Once again, I was along for the ride like a leaf in the stream. And I gotta tell ya' my whole life has been that way.

So is this the Law of Attraction? Is it that simple? I just pick something....make a few decisions in relationship to it......and then it just starts falling into place without a lot of thought or focus on my part. Could it really be that freakin easy? But I don't think I know how to set a goal. I think the universe will put opportunities in my path and lately, I'm not seeing all that many that relate at all to anything that I consciously think I want to do. Or maybe I'm just so shackled in fear of change that I don't see these opportunities? Or is it perhaps a case of seeing them, but letting fear keep me from once again becoming the leaf in the stream and following the river?

And these days, I'm considering going back to school. Ug. The thought of incurring more student loan debt is at the top of the list of reasons not to. I have a dream to one day work in a vineyard and run a summer camp at that vineyard for "wayward" kids. I don't really know a lot about growing grapes or working with struggling kids. But I just love this idea of bringing kids in to teach them about nurturing life from the dirt, making something of value from so little. I grew up in a farming community and this knowledge is solidified in the foundation of all that is me. It's as much a part of my being as my skin or my breath. And, I think it saved me from detriment more than once.

The steps to achieving this dream are intimidating to say the least. It's simply so overwhelming that I have a hard time conceptualizing; never-mind getting to the stepping-in place; that place of beginning to follow the dream. It's damn scary, in fact.

And then I wonder why can't I just make the best of the life I'm in now? Why must I always be seeking something new? Can't I just be content to be "here" and to be present in the "now?" What am I running away from when I cook up these schemes and have these dreams? Do I fear satisfaction? Do I thrive in ever-seeking something different? Am I trapped in a ‘Grass is Always Greener' state of mind?

I don't know. Seems I don't have any answers; only questions. On that note; some one told me once that if I don't know what I want to manifest, then I should just ask questions and the answers will manifest. If that's the case, there will be a lot of answers coming my way soon.

Is anything possible?

Tue, 10 Jun 2008 12:49:58 -0000

Is anything possible?

The Law of Attraction.....hmmm.

OK, for sanity's sake, I'll just say that yes; anything is possible. Then what? What's the next step?

Oh. My. God. If it's all been about this law of attraction my whole life, then I attracted all of "this," right? This over-flowing cornucopia of experience, this winding path of a life has all been built by me. All that has been rotten and unfortunate in my life as well as all that was blessed and good; I attracted all of it. And looking forward, all that will be I am currently attracting into my life. I am manifesting the ‘everything.' What a mind-blowing concept. Let me just take an extra moment to think about it.......

Yup.

Totally mind-blowing.

OK. OK. OK. *Deep breath* So, I try to accept this. I accept that I am the builder of my life. In so doing, I have to embrace responsibility for everything that's brought me here. I did that; no one else. My choices and actions carried me to this point in my life. Knowing this is a huge responsibility for my future. Knowing that everything I do now is building the future is mildly daunting, almost so much so that I fear making a choice. Of course, that in itself is a choice, no?

What about the day-to-day actions like getting up with the alarm clock and getting ready for work? What about just going to work? The devil's in the details. Every tiny thing I do is rolling me forward toward my ultimate manifestation.

Now it dawns on me that I reckon I should pick a goal. I was never one to make a conscious choice about what I want to do with my life or where I see myself in the next year. I've always hated that question in interviews and on dates. I've been the leaf in the stream just floating along as the stream sees fit. Grasping this concept insinuates that I am not the leaf; I am the stream. Wow.

What are these possibilities that encompass the world of "anything's possible?" Should I make a list? Perhaps a lit of options would be a good idea. I'll get right on that.

In the meantime, everything I'm doing - even writing this down and sharing it - is building something; is pushing me forward; is opening doors and waltzing me through. Wow. I am still mind-blown. The possibilities are endless. There are an infinite number of manifestations. Let me soak in this for a moment. These concepts settle in slowly.

Mother's Day

Wed, 23 Apr 2008 14:41:13 -0000

Curiosity leads me all over the place. I wanted to know more about Mother's Day so I went srufing and found some interesting tidbits. I posted this in my Pod, but I wanted to get even more input. I'd love to hear other thoughts.

I found that there are some who say that Mother's Day originated in ancient Greece as celbrations in honor of Cybele, the mother to the Greek gods. Cybele's celebrations were held around the Vernal Equinox. Cybele is the evolved version of the original Earth Goddess. Originally a Hittite and Phrygian goddess; She, by my perception, is the embiment of Gia. The Ultimate Mother.

Eventually, celebrations in Rome were held from March 15th thru 18th. There was also a Roman holiday, Matronalia, that was dedicated to the Godess Juno. She has also been worshiped as Anatolia since Neolithic times.

And then I found information relating to the roots of Mother's Day in America. Seems Julia Ware Howe made a Mother's Day proclomation in 1870 calling for peace and for women to unite against the war.

Arise, then, women of this day!
Arise, all women who have hearts,
Whether our baptism be of water or of tears!

Say firmly:
"We will not have great questions decided by irrelevant agencies,
Our husbands will not come to us, reeking with carnage, for caresses and applause.
Our sons shall not be taken from us to unlearn
All that we have been able to teach them of charity, mercy and patience.
We, the women of one country, will be too tender of those of another country
To allow our sons to be trained to injure theirs."

From the bosom of the devastated Earth a voice goes up with our own.
It says: "Disarm! Disarm! The sword of murder is not the balance of justice."
Blood does not wipe out dishonor, nor violence indicate possession.
As men have often forsaken the plough and the anvil at the summons of war,
Let women now leave all that may be left of home for a great and earnest day of counsel.

Let them meet first, as women, to bewail and commemorate the dead.
Let them solemnly take counsel with each other as to the means
Whereby the great human family can live in peace,
Each bearing after his own time the sacred impress, not of Caesar,
But of God.

In the name of womanhood and humanity, I earnestly ask
That a general congress of women without limit of nationality
May be appointed and held at someplace deemed most convenient
And at the earliest period consistent with its objects,
To promote the alliance of the different nationalities,
The amicable settlement of international questions,
The great and general interests of peace.

Retrieved from "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother's_Day_Proclamation"

I honestly just love that proclomation!!

Howe's apparent inspiration was the work of Ann Jarvis in 1858. As Appalachian homemaker, she attempted to improve sanitation through what she called Mothers' Work Days. These days were organized to tend to the needs of the wounded on both sides of the Civil War. After the war, Ann Jarvis promoted the idea of a Mother's Day that emphasized pasifism and social activism.

Then in 1907, Anna Jarvis, the daughter of Ann Jarvis, was inspired to set a memorial day for women. The younger Jarvis initiated the memorial on the first anniversary of her mother's death and began a campaign to make Mother's Day an officially recognized holiday. In 1914, is was so declared by President Woodrow Wilson.

As we all know, Mother's Day has, for the most part, become a commercialized event that generates massive income for not only the greeting card industry, but also for restaurants, jewelers, flower shops etc... In fact, Mother's Day is currently the most popular day of the year for dining out in the United States.

Perhaps it is time for us to remember the original inspiration of Julia Howe, Ann and Anna Jarvis. Perhaps it's also time to remember even further back to the celebrations of Cybele and Juno, Anatolia and Gia.

Peace

Choices

Wed, 16 Apr 2008 16:03:01 -0000

I'm one that feels every choice I make is going to affect my entire life. Ok...well....to be honest....the little things like which jelly to put on my toast isn't really the kind of choice I'm talking about. But you know what I mean.

Choices.

I recently explored an idea of starting my own business. I was so damn excited too. It's still an great idea. The market in my area is ripe for the service I have in mind. And I mean ripe. But, in the end, my partner and I decided that there was too much potential for a conflict of interest with the business that we're both currently in. Our plan was to start the new business and let it grow for a year or so and then leave the company we're with. After a lot of soul-searching and long discussions we concluded that the commitment required in that first year is more than doing it ‘part time' would offer. For me, I also decided that I have a great career with HUGE potential for growth and self direction.

So, that's an obvious life-changing choice, right?

I'm also one of those folks that believes everything happens for a reason and that everything we do is exactly perfect in the moment.

Being who I am and believing what I believe comforts me in my choice about the new business. I am also comforted in knowing that as life rolls out in front of me, the path I walk is the path I'm meant to be on. Come what may, I am here to learn, grow, teach, become, and mostly EXPERIENCE.

So, with that, I'm off to Experience this life in all it's fabulous glory!!!

Self Doubt or Instinct?

Wed, 23 Jan 2008 22:25:09 -0000

It hasn't been that long since I got that big Green Light about starting the business but I'm seriously having second thoughts.

I don't know - do I listen to my gut and believe it or is this my own self-doubting inner voice (judge) trying to rain on a parade?

If I lay out the facts the whole plan is shaky to say the least, and I can't fathom starting the business and continuing to keep my job because of not only the minor conflict of interest, but also because of the demands of the business.

I'm manifesting my world with these thoughts and to be honest, they're confusing me. So, I'm manifesting confusion and can't seem to get out of the rut.

I don't want to run a half-assed business. That's not me and it wouldn't be successfull anyway if I don't put 100% into it. But, I don't want to give up on this idea/plan. It could be a lucrative venture.

And then I think about the busienss and wether or not it would be a helathy contributor to the community around me nad to the great being of all. The answer is really 'no' and I feel like that's not what I really, truly, honestly want to BE.

Anyway....that's where I am right now with starting the new business. Limbo - I guess.

Another thought; it doesn't feel like my highest purpose. Is it a path to my highest purpose? I don't know. Inside, I hear 'no' to that question as well.

Arg. I need a mental massage.

Gratitude & Manifesting

Thu, 10 Jan 2008 03:36:13 -0000

There's so much to do. But, never in my life have I been so excited about and looked so forward to having to do so much.

I talked with a corporate attorney friend tonight who gave me some awesome advice - having good friends is outstanding!

So, of course, along with the advice comes more things to think about and more stuff to do for the business.

I'm exceptionally gratefull for the friends I have and their support. I'm also grateful that this opportunity is manifesting. It's jsut so amazing to me. I asked for signs and here they are. I asked to see this friend soon and he drops by my house tonight.

I'm really diggin' it.

The Green Light

Mon, 07 Jan 2008 22:36:24 -0000

I just got one heckuva HUGE green light from a mentor and friend about the business I want to start. I think I'll include this in my new moon meditation tomorrw.

Honestly, I had been having second thoughts but today we (me & the business partner) sat with a mutual friend and got a little feedback about the idea and then I went to my mentor to get his input. They were both very excited about the idea and the potential it holds for us and they are both willing to send business our way. That's just so darn exciting I can barely contain myself.

So...we're on to the next step and that's either re-instating an existing corporation or creating a new one.

We'll need minimum overhead to start and that's totally groovy; perhaps $2000. We have all the technology we need, so the overhead is really just going to be used to for payroll until we start turning profits.

I tell ya' I haven't been this excited about something in a long, long time.

Ya'll cross your fingers!

Along comes 2008

Wed, 26 Dec 2007 22:02:48 -0000

2008 = 10
10 = 1
Makes me wonder a little. I'm no numerology expert, but I think 1 is about new beginings and that the coming 9 years will be much different as a result of actions taken in this; the 1 year.

So, with that in mind, I'm thinking about resolutions and goals for 2008. I stopped making resolutions several years ago and decided to make *changes* as I felt they were needed; no need to wait for the year to end, right? But this year feels different. I am feeling compelled to make an assesment of where I've been, where I'm going, and what is happening in this moment.

I'm choosing to make a list of declarations rather than resolutions. And, thanks to much thought and reading and listening to podcasts about manifestations, I'm going to include some questions when I can't seem to make a statement that i can believe. I heard somewhere that at least asking "How can I make such-n-such happen" or "What can I do to ..." puts the universe to work on showing me the answers. So, I'll have a list of questions and declarations for 2008. As I formulate the list, I plan to share it here so that the energy can be spread even further.

I also think I'm going to re-list & re-create my goals here. They're feeling a little stale and out of sync with my personal vibrations.

I can feel so much changing for me in 2008 and I have so many ideals that listing them, organizing them, and focusing on them will be helpful to their manifesting. I sense a feeling of being on the verge of a great development in all aspects of my life; work, spirit, play, romance.... all of it feels about to bloom and I'm ready.

Tarot of the Day.....and my thoughts.

Tue, 18 Dec 2007 17:15:10 -0000

Ten of Wands
The Ten of Wands card suggests that my power today lies in conscience. "He ain't heavy, he's my brother." I own responsibility for the baggage I have chosen to carry but I am ready to lay the weight of a burden or secret I have been hiding behind where it belongs in order to reconcile my conscience. Do I want to be right or alone? I am empowered by blind faith in fulfilling my purpose or greater good to "just do it," and I transform through in passion or direction in principle.

_________________________________________

What is the baggage I carry?
Fear?
What weight is it, really?
Fear of failure. Hmmm.....who am I trying to impress? Who does it matter to if I fail? Is the guilt associated with the failure? Who have I failed? Digging deep to find out, but I don't really know at this moment. I am afraid of being hurt. I am afraid of being vulnerable because that opens me up to pain. Every time. Opening my heart and my soul has only brought pain in the past why would the future be any different?

These are thoughts I know I need to banish because they only manifest themselves into reality.

But can I banish a fear that has been with me so long that I'm not sure how to act without it or exactly from where it stems? What do I need to do to remove the fear and learn to love courageously and fearlessly? I mean, how does one put down a load they don't even realize they're carrying?

But then, maybe I'm just trying too hard and that is the burden. Am I pushing too hard for something that isn't realy meant fof me?

How do the following apply to me and how can I relieve myself or at least learn from them? What lesson am I to learn here?
overextending -
trying to do too much
refusing to say "no"
taking all the blame
assuming another's debt
doing the lion's share
having to work overtime
shouldering all the work
being saddled with an extra load

feeling burdened -
never having time to relax
feeling tied to a treadmill
being taxed to the limit
assuming responsibility
being held accountable
carrying out an unpleasant duty
cleaning up a messy situation
being left holding the bag

struggling -
fighting uphill
doing everything the hard way
experiencing resistance
pushing against the current
having to work for every gain
finding that nothing comes easily
laboring

___________________________________________

I heard some where that if we can't manage to state affirmations because they feel too much like lies, then we should start with questions so that answers will manifest. Well, I think I've asked numerous questions here. Are you listening, Universal Manifesting Machine?

How can I learn to love courageously and fearlessly?
What do I need to do or learn in order to remove the burden I carry?
What steps do I need to take to achieve my highest purpose?
How can I bring more love into my life?
Where do I find the direction to my soul's deepest desires?

I could probably go on with more, but they'll get repetitive.

I just added new goal!

Thu, 06 Dec 2007 19:40:01 -0000

I'm not too sure how this plan will evolve, but at this moment, I'm all in!!!! I'm totally psyched to declare that a partner and I are researching starting our own business together. We've talked briefly about it and now we're both digging in and doing the reasearch. It's an exciting prospect in an industry that we both already have loads of connections and contacts.

So...within 6 months we just might be rockin' and rollin'!

Ya'll cross your fingers and manifest this with me, please!

Peace

What role do dreams play in your life?

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 17:41:00 -0000

Oooo - good question.

The dreams I dream while I sleep tell me of things I don't think of while I'm awake. My soul speaks to me through my dreams.

The waking dreams; the goals and ideals and plans...well, they keep me thinking and keep my alive. Having dreams is the thing that keeps me striving. My dreams are every changing and evolving as I move through life and pass the signposts that point me to my higher purpose.

All in all, I coudn't live with out my dreams; all of them.

Healing Hands

Wed, 05 Dec 2007 17:30:23 -0000

I just bought Barbara Brennen's book Hands of Light and I'm excited to start reading. I feel called to this practice somehow, although after reading the forward, I'm not sure about the fit, but I'm going to read the book and see what develops.

I'd be interested in any thoughts, comments or experiences anyone has had with this particular practice.

Bewilder

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 02:22:51 -0000

The picture of you behind my eyes

Lingering

Longing

The touch of you in my fingertips

Feeling

Yearning

Just the thought of you

A wisp of air with your scent

A passing image

Quiver my soul

The possibility of you in my thoughts

Contemplating

Considering

The misty outline of you in the rain

Swaying

Spinning

Merely the apparition of you

A chocolate lock of your hair in the wind

A quiet ripple

Tremble my heart

The anticipation of you on my skin

Sensing

Craving

The vaporous likeness of you in the air

Gusting

Blurring

Simply the intention of you

A twinkling sparks in my mind

A tickled fancy

Bewilder my world

Where have I been?

Tue, 26 Jun 2007 17:26:33 -0000

It's been so long.

I've been in a bit of a funk. Some of it is directly related to a project I've been on at work - not a fun one, but it's kept me busy enough all day to impress the boss. Through it all, I have received major kudos from the President of the company and a healthy raise. Still, I am bored. I'm apparently very good at what I'm doing, but it just doesn't thrill me. I suppose the other aspects of the funk are related to loosing my father and the resulting feeling of aimlessness as well as a sneaking sense of lonliness.

So, that's been the funk. Since January or February; or some where close to that, I've been away from myself and out of touch with my real ideals and goals.

I can feel myself coming back to me now. Finally. Yet slowly.

I have to get off this train. Ever feel that way? At some point in my life I hopped aboard the corporate train and I've been quite the adept traveler. But now I can see that the destination is not in sync with my soul's desires. But how does one leap from a speeding train? Perhaps it's possible to slow it down first. I suppose that's all I can really hope for; is to slow it down first so I can leap without the garauntee of sever physical damage. I told a friend a while ago that I've suddenly found myself in the big life and it's not really what I ever wanted. Whew.

OK. Now that I can see that; what's the next step? I'm going to have to just get up off my arse and DO something that will light the fire that seems to be dwindling. Yup. That's it. Get the fark up off my f-in ass and DO!!!!

If you're reading this, and you feel compelled to do so, send a little burst of some of that get-up-off-your-but mojo. Thanks mucho.

And now, I'm off.

How much does a life weigh?

Wed, 31 Jan 2007 21:52:57 -0000

Life turned to dust
Seven pounds of crush
In a box made of stone

Heavier than seven pounds should ever feel.

Breath on the wind
Invisible life
Light as a feather

Lighter than any life should ever feel

How much does a life weigh?
How heavy are the experiences of one's life?
Who carries the load?

An Inspiration

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 20:59:51 -0000

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6939776

I am inspired by this man; his accomplishments, his challenges, and all in between. I've been debating my goal of becoming a teacher over the last few weeks and I think this must be a message. I was deeply touched by his words in this article. I'm going to have to add the book to my amazon whish list.

5 Things You Don't Know About Me

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 22:47:31 -0000

Just cus Dryad asked so nicely....thanks honey!!!!

Supposed to write about 5 things you don't know about me, so here goes...

1. I'm a cancer survivor! Yes!!! Diagnosed when I was 24 with cervical cancer that had migrated into my uterus. The only viable option - in my mind - was to GET IT OUT! The experience was traumatic, yes, but, after the surgery and the recovery, I became a new woman. It comepletely changed my life - for the better. I can never have children, but that has given me the opportunity to explore so much about myself, my life, may beliefs, my relationships....everything really. Another reason I was so agressive in the treatment was the my sister had died a few years before from the same cancer.

2. All I ever wanted to do was be an organic farmer. Yea, it's true; even as a young girl I just wanted to run a farm. I denied that truth for most of my life and ended up in the corporate machine and I'm having a hard time getting out. My plan now has to do with wine and children. Don't scoff - it's not about them drinking it!!! LOL!

3. I find slince in cemeteries. OK, perhaps it sounds morbid, but it's really the only place that I don't *hear* anything. That static buzzing in my head actually stops when I'm in the grave yard. It's the best place for me to meditate that I've found - ever.

4. I'm a fabulous cook! I love cooking. Some things I'm really good at, others I'm still learing. I make an amazing deep dish pizza - it's really a pie; about 3 inches deep. I can also whip up a batch of tequila chicken with avocado and corn salsa like only you can dream about. Lastly, but not least - sweets. Yummy - Chocolate Suicide and Pumpkin Pie are my specialities. Don't even get me started with fried catfish.....I could go on and on.

5. I have a restless soul. Every 3 years or so, I'm ready to be on the move again. I long for adventure and change in my life. It is the only constant that had ever brought me comfort. Knowing that I can do anything, go anywhere, change jobs, change lives. changes my hair color.....all of these thoughts are comforting to me. I'd be lost without the ability to change when I'm in the mood. Perhaps this is why I can't have children....I see a cirlce forming in my thoughts about that. I've lived in Ft Lauderdale for almost 16 years and that's the longest I've EVER lived in one place. EVER!!!! I love moving around and meeting new people. Life is an adventure, afterall.